mostly about deconstruction; a little about my issues and control

I’m changing a lot. Or maybe my personality isn’t changing a lot, but my worldview is. It’s hard to write what it is, because it’s always changing. I’ve learned a lot of things at seminary. I’ve learned a lot of things in my discussion group. I’ve learned a lot of things at church. I can’t articulate them all. There’s too many, and they change too often.* Often the process is called deconstruction. It’s the process of dismantling false beliefs which have served as the foundations of your faith, so that you can put newer, better stronger ones in. But the reconstruction doesn’t happen quite so readily as the deconstruction does. So there’s a transition period there. Also deconstruction looks very different from everyone, but everyone has such a different lens of characteristics and experiences through which to view the new information. So whatever you think deconstruction is (or might be), you’re probably potentially partially right for yourself and probably mostly wrong for me (which isn’t meant to be demeaning, it’s just too hard). And I would tell you more about it for me, but it’s too long of a story to be attempted in writing (unless I decide to write a book). Suffice it to say that at the beginning I really welcomed it, embraced it, but didn’t realize quite what it was, because I know I’d come to be dissatisfied with a lot of the answers I’d received.

I’ve got so much more to say, but I can’t say it all right now. I’m so wary of posting partial thoughts because there is so much danger that they will cause an unintended response in the reader. But what else can I do? It’s out of my control, no matter how completely I write. Writing more perfectly only increases the illusion of my control. So it’s probably better (for now, for my own growth) to just post incomplete things and just ask you to take it all with a few tablespoons (as opposed to a grain) of salt.

Peace to you.

*this began as part of an email composition, but became unwieldy for that purpose.

Mother

Happy Mother's Day Mom! You're the best. Where would I be without you? (I wouldn't!) You are a woman of God. You are one of the strongest and gentlest people I know. Sorry your boys are far away. Looking forward to seeing you in a month.

Love Adam

I am alive...

...and so are you. If you can read this blog, you are alive. You are in a state of "being." The way in which I want to use this word is to counter "non-being." If you are wary of approaching existential issues, don't read on.

The ideas of being and non-being are on my mind a lot these days. Actually, they've been on my mind a lot since Fall quarter, when Teta died and first read Paul Tillich's The Courage to Be. I had a bit of an existential crisis in January and February, which was probably a conflation of the previous two events with a study of the OT. I wouldn't say that it is resolved, but the existential axiety has definately been reduced by meaningful relationships.

But I still think a lot about non-being. In this regard, death scares me. Since gaining a little more of an idea of the understanding of life after death (or actually the lack thereof) in the Old Testament, and some alternate understandings of the Christian conceptualizations of the same, I am more scared than I was before. To be honest, the idea of non-being scares me shitless. Because all you can know is being. When you are in a state of non-being, you actually aren't. You can't know what non-being is because knowing implies being. You can't remember what being was like because memory implies being. You can't compare non-being to sleeping, because sleeping implies waking up and looking back. But non-being is permanent (at least in the way I'm conceptualizing it - if non-being wasn't permanent, as in a bodily resurrection, then it would be less scary, because you'd regain whatever awareness you had immediately after losing whatever awareness you had in this present life) so you can't look back on it. All of this is just dizzying to think about! And there is absolutely nothing to compare it to. Because you can't conceive nothingness. When I try to, it's absolutely petrifying.

So that's one of the things that I think about. I don't think about it too much, because I can't. It's too hard. I would lose touch with reality.

The other half of the discussion is being. Consider being. Consider that it is all you know. It is all you can know. Consider history. People having been being for centuries. What is it like to be someone? Someone else? Consider that you exist. I mean really consider it. You have to exist, otherwise you couldn't consider being. Consider that the Earth exists. Look at a tree in the middle of a field. Why is the tree there? Look at the way it arches out of the Earth. There it is. Consider the tree not being there. Look at the tree as if it were the first time you saw anything. As if you were looking through the eyes of an infant. Look at the tree as if you'd never seen anything but flat land. Be fascinated with the fact that, for no immediate reason, the flatness of the land has been disrupted by the presence of the tree. Can you see things in this way? I know you can. Just try to look differently. Look for the first time.

Thanks for your time. Your comments are appreciated.

You are alive.

Peace to you.

Yes, I am still alive

Hi folks. What's going on? I have been too busy to post. Or wait, maybe not. Maybe I'm someone who believes that it's only worth doing if it can be grand. So I'm too busy to post long, profound, coherent monologues. But in that case, I'll never post. Because I only post when something (a drive to say what I need to say) pushes me past the that blockage (a need to do it perfectly). So why am I posting now? Because I have to tell you to start following CS Wiersma's postcast if you're not currently doing so. I've had this thought for a while, because I've been listening to his podcasts regularly for quite some time now. And I'd say that whatever your views are on Christianity or the church (and I know a lot of people with a lot of different positions), I think you'll enjoy and learn something from him. Non-coincidentally, the message I just listened to encourages someone to take small steps instead of waiting for big ones. Obviously the sermon was rediculously more complex and powerful. But anyways. As a result of it, I'm posting a small comment instead of all the things that are going on in my mind, not the least of which is the desire to respond to a challenge posed by a friend (MRWM) in a wonderful card to really say how I am doing. Right now, I am doing well. Generally, I am doing "I don't know." That is to say I am moody, so it's usually a dynamic mix of a bunch of emotions. But I'm also really at peace with that.

The link:

http://askthequestion.ca/

Peace to you.