Thursday, March 29, 2007

No longer an invalid

Well, folks, the title says it all. I feel like a legitimate person again. "Why?," you ask. Well, I passed my driver's test. Before now, I couldn't legally drive here. That was partly my fault, as I had applied for a driver's license back in September, and wrote the multiple choice knowledge exam but as I am an international driver (and we don't have cars, or rules of the road in Canada) I had to take a behind the wheel test. So basically I got a learner's license, but rendered my Alberta license invalid. They didn't punch a hole in it, but I didn't want to take the risk in case they pulled me over then ran my name and I came up as a learner in CA system. I Didn't really have a reason to take the behind the wheel test (not having a car and all), so I never did anything about it. Finally got sick of it, and also knew that I had need to drive approaching, so I booked a behind the wheel test and, lo and behold, I passed! YAY! Now I have a little piece of paper which says I can drive. My snazy California drivers license and ID will come in the mail in a little bit (actually not so snazy - the pictures are in color, which is nice, but otherwise the card itself looks flimsy and cheap, not like the (relatively) new Alberta drivers licenses). But anyways, not being able to drive (i.e. to borrow a car, to help someone out if they've had too much to drink, etc) sort of makes you feel like a lame-o, even if you know that you can drive, just not legally. But now I no longer have that problem.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

“What’s the deal with my brain? Why am I so obviously insane?”

I suppose it’s silly to choose to use a quote which reflects the lack of precision which is common in the use of our language as I try to articulate the jumble of neural connections that make up the flurry of thoughts which result in the appropriateness of the quote in the first place. (the about quote is from Perfect Situation, by Weezer. Insane is a legal term, not a psychological or psychiatric term and as a psychology grad student, I should know the different and use them properly.)

Okay, so what makes me think that I’m insane? My mind is always swirling. A woman had a part to play in it. Also, all the things I want to write about – school stress, relationships, reading and contemplation had produced a lot of thoughts over the last little while. I really ought to write more, or be more systematic in my writing. And a problem…most of these reflections were generated in the past two weeks. Now, more than half way into my spring break, and having typed out a number of them, they feel a lot lighter – they no longer carry the emotional valence that they did. So it’s hard to feel the motivation to continue to expand and fully articulate them. And even if I do, I’m not sure if I can do them justice. Oh well. Trying to let go of my hangups and perfectionism, because I know each of these thoughts is incomplete and replete with errors and contradictions. What you get is what you get. What I give is what I give. It’s okay.

On Mood
I have been moody lately. I’m trying to determine if I’m generally a moody person, or if I’m generally not moody but just experiencing more ups and downs. The argument for the former is that people close to me often see me as doing well; that I seem to present a fairly even demeanor, and that how I feel now feels distinctly different from the way I’ve felt when I can remember. However, the argument against that is my memory of the beginning of the quarter, when I struggled with questions of meaning and purpose, and before that with the adjustment from the move, including feelings of lonliness. But I guess I’ve got to distinguish between capriciousness and dysthimia. Probably what I’m doing right now is more of the first, and what I was experiencing earlier was the second.

My feelings about mood naturally lead me into the second question…

On Time
Time is a funny thing. You know it doesn’t exist, of course. Time is simply the arbitrary convention we have created for the idea that events follow each other in order. Things like seconds and minutes and hours and days don’t really exist. Days are probably the closest things to real, because they have “clear” (actually only “clearer”; less arbitrary) regular patterns with which we can work. But I digress – I’m not interested in the existence of time as much as I am in the role it places in our experience. It is an interesting phenomenon that we in the western world are so a slave to this things called time that we have created. Indeed, we are in total service of it.

And yet even this is not my concern. My concern is this: Why am I so impatient about the course of my life? Or, why is it that my mind races and my feelings ebb and flow over a short period of time, when things will be different. And why is it so hard to “put my hope fully in heaven,” which doesn’t even fall within the realms of time (as I understand it)?

I guess at times I feel anxious for things to happen, and yet it only takes three days for me to have the pressure subside. It’s not logical (I don’t think we humans really work off of a logical evaluation of much, actually). At times I feel like things happened so long ago, and yet when I think about it in the context of my life (assuming I live to even close to average age), it is such a small, small portion of it. My conception of time is perhaps more extreme (though not particularly impactful) – we’re talking the feeling that yesterday was forever ago.

On Food and Convenience
For lent I decided to give up chicken and beef. I already don’t eat pork. So that means I’m left with fish as my only meat source. I also still eat eggs and the like (didn’t go vegan here). What prompted this, you ask? The intersection of a number of things: conversation with Niveen, a Coptic Egyptian who participates in the Lenten fast prescribed by the Coptic Church; conversations with Lindsey, who had recently decided to go that direction; sermon at PMC at the beginning of Lent about Jesus’ fast in the desert as identification with those who don’t have enough. So I decided to go with it.

I have found it to be a good experience. For the first while, it wasn’t that hard. I was surprised. But it’s been a bit more of a struggle in the last few days. What has been the most difficult has been the lack of convenience. I have to work harder to make sure I eat a balanced diet and a wide enough variety of foods and flavors. I think it’s important to consider the role convenience plays in the way we make decisions. I think it’s often one of the highest priorities, though we’re often oblivious to role it plays in our decision process and end up rationalizing it or justifying it in some other direction with which we are more comfortable. I may keep up this direction after lent. I’m not sure yet.

On Philosophy and Quick Judgments
If you’ve talked to me since about November, you’ve probably heard me get excited about philosophy. In October, our discussion group has been talking about philosophy tangentially in connection with other things. It is easy to make quick judgments based on the selected readings and discussion. But since I started reading on my own, I’ve come realize (again) that you can’t dismiss anything too quickly. I think Plato is what started it. I don’t consider myself a Platonist.

After actually reading Plato, I was really impressed. I didn’t read all that much yet – I just a have collection of philosophical writings, so there are three or four dialogues scattered throughout the book and I’ve just read one. I’m certainly not about to convert back to Platonism, but I really liked his style and way of thinking. Just a good reminder to judge a book by its cover. But I tell you, these readings are awesome. There are so many conceptualizations which we have ignored, taken for granted or assumed to be true. When these are addressed, described and challenged, it gives you a lot to chew on. It forces you to look at yourself and the way you view the world.

On Thinking and Music
I love thinking, but it’s not always a blessing. Often I just get sick of it. If you see me walking around with my headphones a lot, or if you hear very frequently hear loud music coming out of our apartment door or my bedroom, you will know that I am sick of thinking. You will know that I have had enough of the constant barrage of thoughts on any number of (though usually only a few extremely salient) topics. This has been the case in the past 2 or 3 weeks. The context is usually such that something is on my mind (i.e. a woman or a philosophical concern) AND there is some other set of constraints (i.e. exams) which require my focus. The latter means I can’t truly devote my attention to the former because I have accorded some value to the latter and would not like to lose whatever advantages I might gain from performance on it because of a nagging preoccupation with my other concern (do you think I could have written that sentence in a more complex manner? I don’t think so.
Now that I have finished exams, I will permit my mind to become engrossed again in the manner I have discussed. The problem is that I end up not doing all the things that I need to get done, because they don’t have the immediate pressure consequences that exams do.

On Myspace, Blogging and Facebook
I was in the shower a number of weeks ago when a thought occurred to me. That thought was a connection between something I'd been doing (if only semi-dispassionately) and something I'd been learning about (if only tangentally) since sometime last fall.

The thought was this: What would Levinas have to say about myspace?

Emmanuel Levinas is Jewish philosopher who argued for the importance of the Other. He believed that we experience God in the face of the person with whom we interact. I don’t actually know too much about him or his writing. I’ve never read any of it directly. But I get a taste of it in my discussion group with Al Dueck. I don’t really want to get into the finer points right now (because I don’t know them), but you can ask me some time if you’re interested.

The answer to my question, I think, is that he’d probably see myspace as a form of murder. Levinas argues that

the Other remains infinitely transcendant, infinitely foreign; his face in which his epiphany is produced and which appeals to me breaks with the world that can be common to us, whose virtualities are inscribed in our nature and developed by our existence.

Basically what I take from that is that each person is so unique that trying to reduce them to a website made up a few pictures and a collection of words is tantamount to blasphemy. I have felt this at times when dealing with my own profile. I have felt like there is so much about me that is impossible to convey that it’s pointless. And I’m torn between wanting to convey myself truly and being silly about it because it’s impossible.

Indeed I was actually originally opposed to myspace, on the grounds that proliferating cyber-relationships would decrease the amount and quality of direct human-interactions. I received the advice of a friend who thought it was an inroad to connect with a person who I was not likely to run into easily on campus but wanted to get to know, and capitulated. Well, that crush quickly subsided (as they sometimes do), and I was left with a myspace account. Now most (but not all) of my “friends” are actually my friends here in Pasadena. Also, I end up just wasting time. It’s a quick escape from whatever thing that is bothering me, from stuff I don’t want to deal with.

I have a lot more in the way of reflections on myspace, but I’m tired of it already. Suffice it to say that I’m dropping my myspace account in the near future. I still want to be your friend. Just call me or email me if you want to talk, or get together, or invite me to an event, or tell me all about the answers to a survey which tell me about yourself. I don't want to put my email and phone number on here, but if you need either/both just post a comment and let me know and I'll get back to you.

I will keep facebook, at least until I win the Fuller Theological Seminary NCAA bracket! But I will re-evaluate it after that. I do plan to keep my blog, because of the readership. I understand that there is an inherent contradiction in that, following my diatribe against msypace. I don’t propose to put forward, let alone live out, a fully coherent framework for understanding these ideas. And, I’m always in the process of re-evaluation (So I could drop the blog too, but the feedback I get from that makes it less likely). I think we deceiver ourselves when we think that we can generate that type of framework. Challenge me if you want.

Okay, so I welcome your thoughts.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Upcoming weather forecast

Sat Mar 10: Sunny, 27/14C (80/58F)
Sun Mar 11: Sunny, 33/16C (92/61F)
Mon Mar 12: Sunny, 34/16C (94/60F)
Tue Mar 13: Sunny, 30/16C (86/60F)

Boo-yah.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Some interesting facts

Well, I finished the paper that I alluded to below. I would post it, but it's 13 pages long, and I don't want someone to plagarize it. So if you'd like to read it, let me know and I'll email it to you. (Acknowledgments go out my friend and neighbor Britta K. Phillips who edited my paper into the wee hours of the morning).

I have a moustache, with a soul patch. In case you are interested, you can check it out at my myspace page (see link to the right). If you don't have a myspace account, you probably can't look at my pictures, but it will show up at some point during the slideshow, or you can look at my friend Dan's page, as I am his "hero," as evidenced by my picture. You could also check out my Picasa web hosting page, found at http://picasaweb.google.com/a.a.ghali.

The reason I have a moustache is a phenomenon called Moustache March. I was introduced to it by Fullerites, but apparently it exists elsewhere as well. So now there are is a small but proud minority of men with moustaches walking around on campus. It's pretty funny. We'll all get together at the end of finals (Mar 15) to take pictures. From there on out it's our choice if we want keep it (maybe I will?).

I'm sometimes hard to get a hold of. This is because I'm never home, and I really don't use my cell for just chatting, so you don't phone it unless it's something big. If you want to talk for any extended period of time, what works best is to schedule a time to talk, probably using email, so that I can plan on being home, as I'm usually home from the library much too late to phone people in the evening (especially given the time difference).

I've been pretty good lately, though a bit up and down depending on certain stressors. I had my first final today, and handed in a major paper. Now I've got three final exams and a final project next week, then Spring break from Mar 16-25. Should all work out okay; I don't project that anything will be too crazy, and I'm really looking forward to spring break. Hopefully I can catch up on all the emails and paperwork I've been shirking throughout the quarter. I also want to go camping, I want to go to the beach, and I want to go golfing.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Discrimination

I was reading an article in the SEMI (the student paper on campus) a few minutes ago about gender discrimination in the church and it sparked this thought in my mind...

"If I were a woman, with all the exact same traits and characteristics I have now except only in female form (which I know is impossible, but it doesn't matter), and somebody told me that I couldn't do something, like be a pastor or an elder or a leader, I would probably tell them to 'suck my dick.'"

(which would contain its own irony)

It's interesting. I know that I've gotten a lot more exposure to talk about discrimination here than I have anywhere before. I've heard a lot about all forms of it (but mostly gender and race), in lots of different places (classroom, school paper, church, conversation, forums, etc). I've definately had to think more about it. But I've probably never really and truly put myself in someone else's shoes so simply and clearly as I did as noted above. I haven't really put any thought into really articulating my whole systematic framework for understanding gender bias in the world and in the church, and so the above thought is not the product of anything like that. But I do think it was a gut reaction, which holds validity too. (And it probably means I ought to conduct a more systematic study of the issue to come up with a well-informed perspective as well).

Anyways, for all of you who fall in any "reference group" (as opposed to "focal group" [new terms to replace "majority" and "minority" group, respectively, since women are not a minority but are discriminated against, also consider Blacks and Apartheid in South Africa]), I would encourage you to put yourself in the shoes of someone who (a) is discriminated against or (b) you discriminate against (!) and then say to yourself, "you can't do (whatever) because of (characteristic)". Then see how you feel. I think you'll find it an interesting exercise.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Paper - OT 504 - Writings

I'm writing a paper on the following psalm. The paper basically asks: What do we have here (i.e. from an exegetical perspective)? and So what do we do with it (i.e. from a theological perspective)? Guess what...it's not an easy paper.

Psalm 137
1 By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept
when we remembered Zion.

2 There on the poplars
we hung our harps,

3 for there our captors asked us for songs,
our tormentors demanded songs of joy;
they said, "Sing us one of the songs of Zion!"

4 How can we sing the songs of the LORD
while in a foreign land?

5 If I forget you, O Jerusalem,
may my right hand forget its skill .

6 May my tongue cling to the roof of my mouth
if I do not remember you,
if I do not consider Jerusalem
my highest joy.

7 Remember, O LORD, what the Edomites did
on the day Jerusalem fell.
"Tear it down," they cried,
"tear it down to its foundations!"

8 O Daughter of Babylon, doomed to destruction,
happy is he who repays you
for what you have done to us-

9 he who seizes your infants
and dashes them against the rocks.


(The word of the Lord; Thanks be to God).