Evangelical Survey

I always appreciated the UofA's joke issue newspapers at the end of the semester. It was certainly something to look forward to. So what does a seminary do for their joke issue at the end of the semester when all the students were stressed? I think you'll find this example quite amusing. I did. I've also included the link to the rest of the paper.
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How Evangelical Are You? Part II

1. After seeing the movie Jesus Camp, you were inspired to:
a. Look up the camp in question — you’d love for your kids to get a solid foundation in matters of spiritual warfare!
b. Write a series of angry letters to editors of major newspapers, protesting the misuse of “evangelical” in that movie.
c. Vomit.
d. Jesus

2. A seeker-friendly service means:
a. Your congregation finally agreed to improve church signage.
b. Lots of drums, strobe-light, and a Rob Bell clone in charge of “sharing” some “random thoughts” as the “message”
c. Good intentions, lousy theology.
d. Jesus

3. When you heard about the Gospel of Judas you:
a. Downloaded the PDF from National Geographic
b. Immediately identified it as one of Satan’s snares
c. Wondered whether Mel Gibson had already picked up the movie rights
d. Jesus

4. Your myspace bio says:
a. Gurl4GOD!!!
b. Christian -- Other
c. Theologically, I sort of align with Moltmann, although I’m a little skeptical of his
Barthian influences and really wish his liturgical theology allowed for the incorporation of more Cappadocian elements.
d. Jesus

5. You think false teaching is:
a. A damnable heresy that will keep someone out of the Kingdom.
b. The beginnings of a really good theological discussion.
c. Whatever comes out of a Dr. Thompson/Karkkainen/Kraft’s course.
d. Jesus

6. Your idea of a summer vacation is
a. A Dobson family cruise
b. A couple of months spent witnessing in Honduras.
c. Retracing the steps of John Calvin across France and Switzerland.
d. Jesus

7. When Rumsfeld resigned you:
a. Said a prayer of thanksgiving.
b. Cried out to God in despair.
c. Secretly wondered whether you should know that name–until you realized that it was unlikely to show up on any midterm.
d. Jesus

8. A good sermon includes:
a. An altar call.
b. A half-dozen references to the “original text,” with powerpoint presentations in Greek and Hebrew.
c. Three points starting with “B.”
d. Jesus

9. When someone sneezes you say:
a. Gesundheit.
b. Can I pray for that nasty cold?
c. Stay away from me! I’ve got a paper due!
d. Jesus

10. When you see a homeless person you:
a. Try to share Christ with her–or at least give her a tract.
b. Take him to dinner and provide him with a list of resources for victims of the capitalist system in your local vicinity (...You carry a copy with you for just these kinds of occasions.
c. Scream and run.
d. Jesus

11. Born again means:
a. That biblical translators still don’t grasp the notion that another really means “from above”
b. That you’re saved/one of the good guys/going to that happy place/on Jesus’ team.
c. That you’ve entered a saving relationship with Jesus Christ, leaving behind your sinful nature.
d. Jesus

12. You started to suspect that your church may no longer qualify as evangelical when:
a. A sermon referred to Cain and Abel as “archetypes.”
b. The number of fish-stickers in the parking lot dropped below 50%.
c. You discovered that your pastor dates Luke-Acts considerably later than you do.
d. Jesus


A true evangelical knows that the only real answer to life’s questions is Jesus. If you chose any other answers, you’re a sketchy evangelical at best. My advice? Review the four spiritual laws, pray the sinner’s prayer, evangelize five friends, have a quiet time, rededicate your life, and then go church-shopping. If all else fails, go on a mission trip. Nothing stirs the evangelical heart like seeing how much more fortunate we are then others in the world.

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For those of you who are offended...Feel free to email me or comment on this blog with your critique if you must, and I will reply. Or just lighten up.